does my icu mood affect you??

this is important, very important. so think before you answer this question and the question i have for you is; does my icu mood affect you?

off late, i have not been writing much or to be precise i have not been finishing the drafts to make them publishable. while the number of drafts have been increasing with every passing hour. they all stuck at a similar position and that could easily be denoted by a single word “incomplete”.

one of the articles i really want to finish at the earliest is about my past few weekends, which i spent with kushagra & smriti, amit & smitha, ravi & vandana, faizan and priya. getting e-smart-II and india of my dreams-II are also there. two of the most intense and gross of all “everything is relative -&” and “&- nothing is relative” will follow them soon. there have been some major changes in the password protected posts as well, which will be pretty much evident enough soon. baba ramdev and his political ambitions also been attracting me lately.

there are quite a few reasons behind articles staying “incomplete”. the major being my mood swings, “oh yeah, i too suffer”, while not many of you people will believe it but it’s true. more than often my mood takes a swing and again …. and again; it keeps doing same thing. my current roommate has given one of my mood swings a name as well. he calls it icu mood, i suppose it comes from the fact that when i am in this particular mindset my situation resembles to someone who had been to icu (intensive care unit) recently.

in such times, i tend not to speak much, i keep quite and stay at one place staring at something, it appears like i am in hibernation. while, i may be thinking about a lot. i choose just not to share anything. at the best i will answer to a couple of direct questions asked to me in minimal number of words. often, i would nod and very often i ask to be left alone for some time. i don’t pick up calls (except a few and specially that one very special), don’t reply to sms, chat-pings, scraps, tweets etc.

one of the reasons, which always have troubled people who find me in such mood is the fact that i don’t answer their question. specially the one “what happened?”. in such times, i just want to be left alone and let me keep staring on something. truly, it was a lie. i really do not want to be left alone. i want to taken care of (in non-murder sense). the reason i console myself to be left alone is the fact that not many understand me in such situation.

normally, my icu moods are a by-product of something done by someone or at occasions something done by myself to someone or to myself as well. this is the reason, i try not to discuss most of them. if someone else is involved i would have to protect his/her identity and in other case why would i tell my own secrets to anyone. though, there are people i get open to but there are too busy in their life’s now, it appears.

during 2009 i came back to social life after my 3 years stint in darkness of a metro city combined with corporate life. it felt too good in the beginning that i kinda of fell in love with it again. slowly, came the time of my increased mood swings because of someone else. i wouldn’t say that i didn’t have many mood swings during my first tenure in bangalore but the difference was that they were mostly because of myself.

i realized that mood-swings hurt but it hurts more when it’s caused by someone else. after-all you don’t expect anyone to hurt you, where/when, he/she knows it hurts most. may be this is because, when you are the reason of your own mood-swings; you could console yourself that you are a mere human who does all culpas and name them destiny or invent god to be credited the same or few more things which he/she doesn’t understand.

one part of human nature doesn’t accept the fact that others are human too, they could also display such characteristics. it always thinks that because i have never done anything wrong to them in my knowledge, intentionally so they also must not do it to me. but it forgets that it too does the same things at times, otherwise from where comes the erratic balance in this act, like all others on planet.

surprisingly, this year i have decided to give some of it back to all. i have already started it and i intend to continue it for long (at-least for an year; if i don’t see significant changes i will drop it). my close friends and old roommate have been on the receiving end of it as the first person, after all he always have enjoyed getting all good things first hand from me. so i am going to treat him the same way entire year to remind him of all he did. i would do anything and everything which is not expected from me while making sure it doesn’t take him down in any perspective.

it’s not because we have any bad-blood between us. it’s just a lesson so that he doesn’t do such things in future. when a calm and rational guy like me can retaliate than everyone else can. it doesn’t mean that i am not a friend with him anymore as you can see that i still love him the same way as i always have. it’s just that i want to bring a balance to life.

i had given my peace of mind to someone else because of someone else and i guess i should let him enjoy my mood-swing for a while. these are some people who i never want to hurt, even in my dreams but than who wants to be a good boy. दुनिया कल जलती है तो आज जल जाए मेरी बला से, चाहो तो मै माचिस लाकर आ लगा दूं खुद ही…

it’s not just one off story, it’s about everyone who has done something or else to screw up my mood in last one year. i am not considering time before that. i posses a very sharp mind and i remember each and every act by everyone. it’s just the time that i have decided to give it back a little. i know that usually i don’t do it but i have done it earlier and i know how good i am at it. i wouldn’t hesitate bleed to death myself, if it gives you pain.

i have been accused of things, i never did. i have been called a schemer for simple fun-plots. i have been left hurt for pleasing someone else while i told everyone i don’t mind big things but don’t hurt me on emotional issues. i have been treated as an option while i made you priority in my life. i will have my vengeance and i will not spare anyone, no matter how close it could be and how much i loved him.

rest be assured, i wouldn’t give a hint to anyone what i am gonna do next. yes, i have all planned and i am not gonna share it with anyone. you will get smiles in return to the smiles you brought on my face and you will be taken in tears for every single you have caused. no exceptions/ no mercy.