may it never come true..

warning : following text you are about to view does contain content only suitable for adults, it’s part of the darkest side of me. it’s imaginable, random, complex to understand and gross. read it on your own risk.

// i had a dream few days back, it was weird and scary.  in the dream, i was in a state, in which i never want to be. it was too complex to express in words so took some liberty to use them from michael clayton and edited according to my situation.

/* cast includes i, tum & hum */

// i call tum and leave a voice message on tum‘s answering machine:-

/* i work in a famous i.t.e.s firm as a specialist on human emotions and it’s behavioral structure and change patterns and it’s effect on evolving humanity and efficiency*/

i:- tum. dear tum. of course it’s you. who else could they send? who else could be trusted? and i know it’s a long way and you’re ready to go to work. all i am saying is wait, just wait, just…just please hear me out. because this is not an episode, relapse, fuckup. i am begging you, tum, i am begging you. try and make believe this is not just madness….. because this is not just madness.

two weeks ago, i came out of the building, okay? i am running across brigade road, there’s an aston martin waiting….. i got exactly 38 minutes to get to the  bangalore international airport, and i am dictating the course of action. there’s this panicked associate sprinting along beside me…… scribbling in a notepad, and she starts screaming. and i realize we’re standing in the middle of the street….. the light’s changed and there’s this wall of serious traffic speeding towards us.

and i freeze. i can’t move. i am suddenly consumed with the overwhelming sensation…… that i am covered with some sort of film. and it’s in my hair, in my face. and it’s like a glaze, like a coating. and at first i thought, “oh, my god, i know what this is. this is some sort of amniotic, embryonic fluid. i am drenched in afterbirth. i’ have breached the chrysalis. i have been reborn.”

but then, the traffic, the stampede, the cars, the trucks, the horns….. this poor woman screaming, and i am thinking, “no. this is not rebirth. this is some kind of giddy illusion of renewal….. that happens in the final moment before death.” and then i realize, no, no, no, this is completely wrong”…… because i looked back at the building….. and i had the most stunning moment of clarity.

i realized, tum…… that i had emerged, not through the doors of abc incorporated….. not through the portals of our vast and powerful i.t.e.s. firm….. but from the asshole of an organism…… whose sole function is to excrete the poison…… the ammo, the defoliant necessary for other larger…… more powerful organisms to destroy the miracle of innocence of humanity.

and that i had been coated in this patina of shit….. for the best part of my life. and the stench of it, the stain of it would take the rest of my life to undo. and you know what i did? i took a deep, cleansing breath and i set that notion aside. i tabled it. i said to myself, “as clear as this may be, as potent a feeling as this is….. as true a thing as i believe that i have witnessed today, it must wait. it must stand the test of time. ”

and, tum, the time is now.

// voice message ends here and next conversations is with tum face to face in a room.//

this moment, today, here, this room, this air….. and this, especially this, tum, that you’re here. there’s a reason. a reason it’s you, tum. surely, you have some sense of that, how it pulls together, how it gathers. nurse tum, the secret hero, the keeper of the hidden sins. tell me you can see that, tum, for god’s sake.

but, i mean, yeah, yes, yes. the escape, the college, i admit it. it was… it was… it was a mistake. it was wrong. it was lame. it was obvious. and therapeutically, it was completely useless… …because i swear, i could stand here and tear off my fucking skin….and i could not get down to where this thing is living.

sixteen years, tum, sixteen years i have absorbed this poison. four million negative thoughts, a thousand lying sessions, a hundred of cover-ups, a dozen of break- ups, five changes of career options……85,000 lies in discovery. sixteen years of scheming and stalling and screaming, and what have i got?  i have spent 20 percent of my life defending the reputation of a deadly system’s victim!

i look up and there’s a friend in my villa. he’s got some scotch. he tells me i just hit 300,000 billable hours on god and he wants to celebrate. so an hour later, i find myself in a dance-bar in mumbai……with two tahician brunettes taking turns doing their magic on me. i am sitting there and i am trying not to go high and i wanna… i wanna make it last, so i start doing the math. i think, “three hundred thousand hours, what is that? that’s 24 times 36. that’s 720 hours in a month, 8760 hours in a year…”

no,no, don’t interrupt me, wait, wait! listen to me…

because it’s years! it’s lives! and the numbers are making me dizzy and, you know… …now, instead of trying not to go high, i am trying not to think, and i can’t stop. i mean, is this me? am i this freak organism that has been sent here to sleep and eat……and defend this one horrific chain of carcinogenic emotions? is that my destiny? is that my fate? is that it, tum? is that my grail? two tahitian beauties over me? is that the correct answer to the multiple choice of me?

they killed them, tum, those small emotions, the family moments. did you…? did you…? did you meet hum?
no? you gotta see her, you gotta talk to her. she’s a miracle, tum. she’s god’s perfect little creature. and for 50 million fake emotional pleasures moments in fees, i have spent 20 percent of my life…..destroying perfect hum and her dead parents and her dying brother.

no. i am not losing this.everything is finally significant. the world is a beautiful place. i am not trading that.i have blood on my hands.

tum:- you are a good human being of one of the largest…..most respected human community in the world. you are a legend.

i:- i am an accomplice! an emotional fool!

tum:- you’re a manic-depressive. an emotional jerk!

i:- i am krishna, the god of emotions.

p.s. : i can’t explain what made me share this with you all.  may be, i find it a real good read with a hidden message. true, it’s a dark humor so may be most of you won’t enjoy it. but for those who do, i should be back with more in the next one soon…. keep visiting